Developed/Published by: New Star Games
Released: 11th June, 2012
Completed: 3rd August, 2014
Completion: Won the Scottish cup and Scottish Premier League titles (twice) and won young player of the year, club player of the year and division player of the year at 21. 
Trophies / Achievements: n/a

How about that Kim Kardashian game, huh? Something something free to play, something something did she even look at the game lol, blah blah stupid people zzz zzz whales? yawn yawn “video games” fart.

Everyone’s an idiot, and I’m here to tell you why.

Now, I haven’t played that Kim Kardashian game. In fact, like most people, I don’t ever think about Kim Kardashian, other than possibly a brief period when it turned out Kanye West married her which isn’t so much thought as much as it is “information going into my brain, pointlessly.” To be honest, I’m astounded that I know how to spell her name off the bat. Haven’t had to rely on the spell checker at all, not that it would help (it’s got a red line under it even now, and I stuck it into Google to make sure after the second time I wrote it.)

The point is this: even in all the defensive articles I’ve read about her game—made in Toronto, fact fans, and I genuinely think it’s got great art in the context—people mostly blether about how it’s a time-waster, but in a different context.

Here’s why people play these games and why they’re successful—and why it surprises me there aren’t more of them. They’re story generators. Stories in which you (or the character you’ve chosen to make) get to be the star. Now sure, these stories aren’t massive, or deep. In fact, they’re mundane. You aren’t saving the planet. But they’re your choices, and you invest, and you remember them.

Take New Star Soccer, right? Here’s me, chucking it on the phone while in the depths of World Cup football madness (as it’s been officially designated by the World Health Organisation). I make me, well, me who is sixteen and has enough of a talent for football that I get hired by Dumbarton.

Across my first season, I play… not particularly well, but I’m alright. But I notice we always get beat by East Stirlingshire. Every game we play, they pump us. I start to pay attention. I try harder in those matches. It comes down to the last match of the season… they beat us. 

I’m traded up, joining Stenhousemuir in the second division. I play poorly. I’m subbed off several times. In disgrace I’m traded off to Raith Rovers; I start playing incredibly well. I feel bad beating Stenhousemuir, but I do it anyway.

My character—me—gets a girlfriend. But I’m always training, or trying to improve my standing with my teammates. She badmouths my manager in the press. I immediately break-up with her. The next time I date, I’m in a better financial position, I’m in a better place with my manager and team. I make sure to spend time with her.

New Star Soccer is simplistic and—certainly in comparison to that Kardashian game—ugly. Based almost entirely around short football matches that occasionally ask you to aim the ball in a quick football scene (you’re looking at a 90’s Football Manager-like text stream otherwise) it sounds like there’s really nothing to it. And when the game is tied to an awkward energy system requiring you regularly quaff energy drinks to keep playing (once every three matches or so. I originally thought you’d get energy back over real-world time, but you don’t) the “actual” story you’re telling is one of an insane addict, forced to pay more and more for their next fix to avoid crashing as they become a bigger and bigger star (it’s not long before your next energy drink costs more than your designer suit did.)

But it’s all sort of easily overlooked because you’re in the cup final, and you’ve just—gulp—been given a free kick that can win the game. You haven’t been training in free kicks. Should you pass to the player to your left, or try and chip it over the wall?

The game-literate will forever wax lyrical about the story telling possibilities of something like Dwarf Fortress or rogue-likes, or even rogue-like-likes. That sensation that you’re not just playing someone else’s story, but creating your own.

You might sneer at Kim Kardashian’s game, or New Star Soccer as a time-waster, or a way to suck money out of the gullibles’ pockets. But they’re offering players something other games aren’t. Sneering isn’t going to change that.

Will I ever play it again? I really wanted to win the World Cup as Scotland, but it’s two years of in-game time away. I’m stopping playing this, but god knows I might go back to it in a weak moment.

Final Thought: I spent two dollars on this—one to turn off ads, which weren’t actually annoying enough to force it, which was good honestly—and another dollar to get some weather effects (which was super not really worth it.) You never actually have to spend real money otherwise, though; getting stuck as a substitute isn’t the worst thing in the entire world and if you’re sensible you’ll save up enough money to buy a stable as soon as possible, then race horses for a steady income. Sounds mental but it works.