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Author: Mathew Kumar

  • Valkyria Chronicles (Sega, 2008)

    Valkyria Chronicles (Sega, 2008)

    Developed/Published by: Sega
    Released: November 4th, 2008
    Completed: 9th August, 2015
    Completion: Finished the story mode, including the bonus missions.
    Trophies / Achievements: n/a

    Negativity is rubbish, isn’t it? I feel bad that the previous review topped the page for an extra week (I’m trying to stick to one update a week, every Tuesday, unless I ever have a huge, huge backlog) so I’m quite happy I now get to gush endlessly about Valkyria Chronicles. Because I loved it.

    Valkyria Chronicles isn’t a perfect game—there are some issues with its tactical battle system, and I’ll get to that—but it’s a deeply surprising one. Set in an alternate universe going through a vague approximation of World War II (drawing design elements from WWI for good measure) it crosses real-time movement with turn-based tactics that removes grids and simplifies things like overwatch (as enemies and you just shoot on the opponent’s turn if they happen to be running past.) Oh, and it’s all done with a heavy coating of “anime”, with loads of cut-scenes and stuff that keep you up with the goings on of your militia troop. It’s not quite anime XCOM, but it’s close.

    It’s an odd one this, readers. On one hand it was largely developed by the team that worked on the never-translated Sakura Wars series (the originator of anime x tactics, as a cross between robot battles and dating simulation) and you can tell—there are plenty of pretty anime ladies, the game is mostly seen from the lens of a “will they, won’t they” love story between the protagonists and it’s often light and even funny. On the other, it’s more mature than I’d generally expect from any video game. Being an allegory (of sorts) for World War II, it deals with racism against a specific group, goes as far as representing concentration camps, and even reflects upon the use of nuclear weapons (in an abstracted fashion, but it’s quite obvious what they’re showing.)

    Indeed, Valkyria Chronicles managed something which I didn’t think I’d be susceptible to, which is that I was genuinely surprised when a main character died. In fact, I was stunned, couldn’t believe they’d do it. It’s the closest I can imagine to experiencing the “Aeris” moment (which I felt nothing for, like all cool video game dudes) and unlike that one it did actually make sense (as characters can die in Valkyria Chronicles).

    Not to mention that by the “militia” nature of the player’s squad, the characters you use are a fair mix of gender and sexuality (if not race, as such, unless you count the game’s made up Darcsen race) all of whom are as capable as the other. To some extent it was probably to allow male players the “harem anime” feel of something like Sakura Wars, but for me it was
 nice (?) to see men and women fighting in a war together as equals.

    (Although, I do admit sniper Marina Wulfstan was 100% my waifu. Pretty much nothing better than selecting her and using her amazing sniper skills to wipe out most of the enemies on the map in the space of a turn if you can keep feeding her ammo. Maybe even better than using Banshee in Ghost Recon: Shadow Wars. And anyway, I fancied her because of her amazing capability, not her nice hair and cold attitude. I think.)

    (Although, to be honest, the game does include some bonus segments like a “Squad R&R” that’s absolutely, totally one of those “beach episodes” from an anime, in that it’s mostly an excuse to see the girls wear swimsuits.)

    (Although, the one character that’s clearly coded as gay, Jann, is, let me say
 stereotypical. I loved him and used him every mission, but I can totally understand people having difficulties with this.)

    Basically what I’m saying is that there are definitely some things about Valkyria Chronicles that aren’t totally defendable, but there are also loads of things about it that make it more thoughtful than most other games out there, even if I’m pretty sure that’s sometimes entirely accidental. The game really does try and make you think about the cost of war, even when one of the character is, like, ranting about how much they love vegetables or something. It can be broad, but the characters and world draw you into it.

    And it is great to play! The real-time/turn-based mix keeps you close to your troops rather than a distant overlord which increases your engagement, and upgrading your squad and tanks is rewarding (even if it is a little slower than I’d like.) If there are problems, it’s that certain game mechanics, like “potentials” (bonuses based on certain conditions) trigger so infrequently when they beg to be planned around, accuracy is too low across the board (outside of snipers, expect some frequent reloading if you need to hit something) and I’d have preferred more, shorter missions than the 20-odd often epic missions (expect them to take about 2 hours a piece). But those are all pretty quibbly, to be honest.

    Valkyria Chronicles took me a while to beat—I took a big break in the middle for some reason, I can’t remember why—but I loved it and wouldn’t change anything. In fact I’m raring to play the sequel now. Couldn’t recommend it more if you have any interest in tactics games with a side of anime. Which I realise now is, uh, specific.

    Will I ever play it again? Valkyria Chronicles has one of those classic, epilogue heavy Japanese endings where everything is wrapped up as tightly as possible (including, confusingly, telling the futures of a few characters who weren’t even that involved?) but which, as far as the main characters were concerned, made me go “ah, that’s nice” in a way where I’d put it down and just enjoy the memories. But I can see coming back to this as it’s got a “New Game+” mode and I didn’t actually fully level everyone up. So yeah, maybe, when I’m an old man.

    Final Thought: I liked this enough I’m going to buy the art book, because apparently it’s got lots of stuff about the development in it. I have literally never done this before. Anyway, Valkyria Chronicles is regularly like $5 on Steam or whatever, you should buy it.

  • Mighty Switch Force (Wayforward, 2011)

    Mighty Switch Force (Wayforward, 2011)

    Developed/Published by: Wayforward Technologies
    Released: December 22nd, 2011
    Completed: 21st June, 2015
    Completion: Finished all main levels.
    Trophies / Achievements: n/a

    Wayforward are my bĂȘte noire. I sincerely cannot think of a studio that more gets on my tits. Why? well because in pretty much every game they’ve ever made, they’ve got stunning, just stunning art. And yet playing their games is like
 let me put it this way. It’s like Scarlett Johansson whispering in your ear that she’s absolutely gagging for it, and then you get her home and she explains she was gagging for you to throw a hotdog as far as you could in an empty warehouse. Repeatedly. Oh, and she won’t be there while you do it, but you do need to do it for about eight hours or so. (I genuinely wish I had a more gender-neutral idea of my disappointment of Wayforward, but them’s the breaks.)

    They just make boring-ass games due to their incredibly uninteresting, generic level design. And yet, thanks to their lovely art (and, I’m told, hilariously low bids) they get basically every single brand that I think to myself “that would make a superb game.” Consider their Adventure Time and Regular Show games. Or, instead, just develop a machine that murders dreams, and murder your dreams!

    (I tell you, when they’re announced as doing the Steven Universe game, it will the the true symbol that we as a species are unsaveable.)

    “Hang on, Mathew,” you’re saying, “this is some insane hyperbole. It’s like you’re one of those types. You know who I mean.”

    I suppose it is a bit over-the-top, but the missed opportunities are galling. Galling. However, bĂȘte noire or not, it’s not like I don’t live in hope! I’ve actually even got a copy of Aliens Infestation on my to-play pile, and when I saw this in the ol’ Humble Bundle, I thought “why not.” Especially as I’d been told by someone that it was good, right down to the level design.

    So here’s what I have to say about Mighty Switch Force: it’s your usual boring Wayforward shite, but at least it’s only got sixteen levels.

    Will I ever play it again? No.

    Final Thought: Mighty Switch Force is a puzzle-platformer where the trick is that you “switch” the position of blocks in 3D space in 2D game—so basically pushing blocks forward and back. You use this to, for example, kill enemies in front of a block, or create platforms. It is, by all accounts, a decent idea! And as usual the art is nice, though notably it’s really samey (this is kind of a Wayforward thing, actually, once the shine has worn off in any Wayforward game) in that I never really noticed the level art changing. I’m going to be charitable here and say that the problem with Mighty Switch Force is that it can’t decide if it wants to be a true puzzle-platformer or an action-platformer with a twist. Some levels are puzzles, but it’s choked by the fact that the amount of screen you can see isn’t enough for a game where you’re searching for things and manipulating the level, and the levels that are straightforward action are killed by the fact that enemies have no inherent challenge. I mean, seriously, one just, like, floats there. So your main fun interaction is basically â€œjump, and do a switch before you land so there’s a platform there.”

    Oh, and to emphasise the lack of commitment to the idea, the final level automates switching, changing the game more or less entirely and there’s even a final boss that doesn’t use any of the switching mechanic like, at all???

    It just doesn’t work. It’s dull and unfocused. As I said: usual Wayforward shite.

  • Pushmo [aka Pullblox] (Intelligent Systems, 2011)

    Pushmo [aka Pullblox] (Intelligent Systems, 2011)

    Developed/Published by: Intelligent Systems / Nintendo
    Released: December 8th, 2011
    Completed: 14th June, 2015
    Completion: Finished all the puzzles.
    Trophies / Achievements: n/a

    I started playing this ages and ages ago, got about half-way through, got bored and stopped, and only recently, with the release of that new Pushmo free-to-play thing (Stretchmo?) did I think “god, I should finish this so I can remove it from the front page of my 3DS.”

    And so I did! To be honest I’m less “finish this immediately” about puzzle-me-dos compared to most other games, generally because, unlike a lot of games, you usually don’t forget how to play it/forget what’s going on in the story/lose the “skill” you’ve built up by playing it if you don’t play it for ages. So, for example, I’ve got a copy of Mario’s Picross on my 3DS that I probably won’t polish off until about 2023 (I thought I’d finished it, but then a whole new chunk of levels unlocked.)

    Anyway, Pushmo. Pushmo has the most adorbs hero—Mallo, who is a wee sumo guy with a emoticon cat face—and you basically use this wee cutie to pull and push blocks so you can get to the top of a structure. It’s a fairly elegant puzzle game; you’re generally dealing with concepts like needing a block above you pulled out further than the block beneath it, so you need to pull another block out, or do some “side-pulls” or take a trip around the structure to come at it from a different angle. It’s all pretty clear and at that level that once you’ve got the basics down, it’s a pleasant mental workout to see how you’re going to do a structure. Occasionally, though, they play a sneaky trick where you have to use Mallo’s platforming ability to do something, which can throw you off (leaping to a block that’s far away, or, the worst, edging out and jumping around a block.) Not a fan of that.

    But it’s good! Pushmo got a lot of criticism when it came out for being really, really slow to get going, but for whatever reason that didn’t bother me. What did bother me—and it’s probably what other people were really complaining about—is that the majority of the levels are just
 blocks. It’s not super interesting to look at, and whenever you get to one of the chunks of levels that are art—you know, you’re climbing a flower, or a goomba, or something—it’s a sad wee thrill. And when you unlock the next chunk and it’s just blocks, it’s crushing.

    Of course, the reason for that is that the levels that use art aren’t as tightly designed—there’s a lot of blocks you don’t end up using, so it’s not as “pure.” So there’s a friction in the design there, as where I (the player) want something fun to look at (even though, really, it adds nothing) but if I was always given that, I probably wouldn’t be picking up the fundamentals as well as I should (and there’s always new puzzlely tricks in Pushmo, right up until the end).

    In the end I couldn’t shake the feeling that Pushmo was a bit dull, though, because of all those boring if successful pure levels. Hmm.

    Will I ever play it again? No, and ultimately I’m not that interested in any of the sequels.

    Final Thought: Mallo is popular enough that there are plushes of him, and oh god, squee town right there. Maybe if I’m lucky they’ll put him in a game I like more. Or maybe they’ll put him in Smash


  • Klonoa: Door to Phantomile (Namco, 1997)

    Klonoa: Door to Phantomile (Namco, 1997)

    Developed/Published by: Namco
    Released: March 10th, 1998
    Completed: 3rd June, 2015
    Completion: Finished the game, but didn’t rescue all the wee guys to unlock the extra vision.
    Trophies / Achievements: n/a

    Klonoa: Door to Phantomile is one of those 2.5D platformers that used to be all the rage back in the day. Remember them? The one that always stands out in my mind is Pandemonium, probably because it was published by Crystal Dynamics and in all the video game magazines of the time. I thought it was completely ugly and was totally uninterested in it; after all, at the time of Pandemonium everyone was going ga-ga for Mario 64 (and, to be honest, at that point I was still mainly a PC gamer.)

    It’s quite surprising to find that Klonoa came out as late as two years after! It’s a slightly strange one, pals. On one hand it’s a short and fairly simplistic platformer (there’s only about 12 levels, some of which can be long-ish) on the other it’s got loads of slightly complex if vague world-building and the kind of plot (and certainly antagonist) you’d expect from a Final Fantasy game or something.

    Oh, and it’s got the cutest cat-rabbit hero in a Pac-Man cap (note: if you don’t like cats you won’t think he’s very cute, but he looks just like a cat I know, Pixel, so I love him.)

    As a platformer, it’s awkward if interesting—Klonoa has a simple jump and a brief hover that lacks too much lateral movement, but can “grab” enemies and by throwing them down jump higher. It works like a double jump, and although the game starts without too much use of it, by the end you’re using grabs and throws to chain together fairly lengthy climbs, and it’s pretty good!

    I was a good deal less fond of the type of things I’ve been mollycoddled out of by now, though—die at a boss and you have to play the entire level over, and if you do something daft like beating a level with only one life and save, when you start the next level you’re stuck with one life even if you use a continue! One boss (Joka) is a surprising difficulty spike (and I do mean spike, nothing else in the game is as hard) that very nearly put me off this whole thing entirely.

    In this incarnation, Klonoa: Door to Phantomile is somewhat dated, so I’d assume you’re better off playing the re-release on Wii (thankfully just called Klonoa). Either way it’s a charming and pleasingly short little title with a very Japanese sensibility that we seem to be losing.

    Will I ever play it again? I’d play the Wii version if I ever found it for pennies.

    Final Thought: That Japanese sensibility: if you want a perfect example of what has been lost, consider the “we should modify our game so people in the West will like it” re-design of Klonoa that they pitched. I’m not sure I can think of a better example of how utterly incorrect Japanese-style pandering to Western tastes can get, and it’s been endemic in the industry for years.

  • Magic Sword (Capcom, 1990)

    Magic Sword (Capcom, 1990)

    Developed/Published by: Capcom
    Released: July, 1990
    Completed: 31st May, 2015
    Completion: Finished the game by slogging from level 1 to 50, using continues.
    Trophies / Achievements: 100/100

    I must have played this back in the day in the arcades. I remember it really well; the way the attract mode looked amazing, with all these heroes on screen and all this lovely chaos. It’s possible I did but just died so quickly that it never made an impression? Whelp, I’ve beaten it now.

    I like Magic Sword. That doesn’t mean it’s good, but I’m going to get that out of the way. It’s one of those slightly odd “lots of ideas, vaguely implemented” arcade games from the period; you’re a strapping, Conan-esque hero, on his way to kill Drokmar and destroy the Black Orb. You do this by climbing 50 levels of a dungeon, which are all of varying lengths and have secret exits and so on that can bump you forwards and backwards, and while you’re doing this you level up your weapon, and get keys that you can use to unlock other heroes to help you (sadly, only one at a time.) Oh, and each time you rescue a hero they level up too.

    Oh! And your weapon is interesting in that you can’t button mash, you have to hit it carefully once your weapon has “charged” otherwise it’s not full power, which is pretty difficult because the screen is swarming all the time, pretty much.

    I’ll be honest: Magic Sword is your basic coin muncher. While there is some skill (in fighting bosses, for example) you’re mostly just trying to survive, and games where there are points where you just can’t avoid taking a hit aren’t really to be encouraged, eh? But it’s charming, perhaps because of the nostalgia I (and I guess many people?) feel for this arcade era; big chunky and attractive Capcom art, great sound effects and music, and a responsive play-style that makes you want to hit continue.

    At this point, I’m just making justifications for liking this, really.

    Will I ever play it again? Shamefully, yeah. It’s quick and I’d enjoy playing through it with another player.

    Final Thought: A quick discussion of the port: I played this in its Final Fight: Double Impact incarnation, and it’s great. All kinds of display options! There’s also (apparently) a ton of archival art and stuff but, annoyingly, you’ve got to unlock it all by playing the game in lots of particular ways and I just can’t be arsed. Ah well. Here’s an awesome bit of Magic Sword art that’s really stuck with me, though.

  • L.A. Noire (Team Bondi, 2011)

    L.A. Noire (Team Bondi, 2011)

    Developed/Published by: Team Bondi / Rockstar Games
    Released: 17th May, 2011
    Completed: 31st May, 2015
    Completion: Finished the story (all cases with five stars) and half the street cases.
    Trophies / Achievements: 50%

    Someone on Twitter—actually wait, christ, that’s the second or third time I’ve started one of these by referencing Twitter, I’ll have to sort that out but I guess I’ve committed—mentioned this game apropos of nothing, saying something along the lines of “Ah, L.A. Noire, a terrible game executed brilliantly, or the other way around, I can’t remember.”

    He got it right the first time.

    Taken purely as a spectacle of effort and polish, L.A. Noire, even four years later, is a marvel. The kind of marvel where you’d have to respect what Team Bondi did, if it wasn’t for the fact that it came at massive human cost (according to rumour) and got the company murdered by Rockstar Games anyway. Here they’ve recreated way, way too much of Los Angeles in 1947 in absurd (if imperfect) detail, have created an insanely subtle facial animation system, and it’s all generally quite stunning, except for the fact that the game system is a terrible garbage hidden-object adventure dribbled into a generic Rockstar third person-em-up.

    Actually—I don’t really hate Rockstar’s “all of our games feel the same” thing that much; there’s something to be said for consistency and they’ve very slowly improved it since the PS2 era, I guess. Certainly, I adored (and remember fondly) Bully, and didn’t hate Red Dead Redemption even though, much like L.A. Noire, there are aspects that are just so garbagey it undercuts everything. What’s funny here, though, is you do the “video gamey” stuff so rarely—you know, the shooting, brawling and car-chasing—that every time it happened I’d forgotten all the buttons, leading to hero cop Cole Phelps usually struggling to detach from cover, or popping out of cover and not knowing how to fire his gun.

    But look, basically L.A. Noire wants to be a really good neo-noir flick, right? Not so much a Big Sleep but a Chinatown or (most incredibly obviously) L.A. Confidential. So you play Cole Phelps, a goody-goody cop with a secret tragic backstory that relates to the war, as he wobbles his way up the ladder, trying to solve lots of awful lady-murders while also dealing with wider conspiracy and corruption.

    Sounds decent enough! Unfortunately the game is this: go to a place. Walk around the place, waiting for music cues that let you know if you can pick a thing up. Is it a clue? ok. No? Put it down then, ya dingus! Then, interview the suspect that’s there. They say things, and you have three options: believe them? Doubt them? Or are they telling a LIE! While working this out, the subtle facial animation system is used so that liars will do clever, subtle things like look off to the side and screw their mouth up in a “what I just said was untrue” way.

    (This is really hard to explain in text, but the actors were clearly told to mug as hard as possible. It’s really, really stupid looking.)

    Best thing, of course, is that despite the mugging they usually make ambiguous statements that it’s really hard to know whether to “doubt” or call a lie, often because they’re functionally true. I’d actually say the whole system is broken—the original options were “coax” “force” and “lie,” which is a bit better, but the weird “you only get one chance to get it right” thing is just pish. Shouldn’t a good cop probably doubt everything a suspect says? Lies always force you to use a piece of evidence to prove it, why can’t I just use the evidence against the suspect in the first place? And so on, forever.

    Anyway, you do these two boring things for the entire game, sometimes broken up with shooty-fighty-drivey times. It’d be nice if this was worth it thanks to the story
 but it’s not. Now, I could write a very long article about how ill-thought out the story is, in how it’s presented to the player and, in general, constructed. But I’m just going to give you one good example. The entire middle of the game, when Phelps is working homicide, is more or less on the trail of a single serial killer. You keep arresting people for the crimes, even though you, the player, are like “this is stupid, the wider plot is telling me these people didn’t do it” (even though the game keeps placing these suspects with massive amounts of evidence against them.) So you keep being forced to do stuff you know is wrong, but “correct” to progress. That’s great. What’s even better though is as you play you’re like “hmm, who is this killer going to be, anyway? Has to be someone meaningful, otherwise this breaks all story rules. And how did he plant all that evidence, anyway???”

    No, it’s just some fucking guy that you saw for about three seconds earlier in the game. And they never explain how all the evidence like bloody weapons and stuff got planted. And it doesn’t matter anyway, because not one second of this extensive section of game has anything to do with the overarching plot. At all.

    It’s roughly as worthwhile as the middle hour of LA Confidential, if the middle hour of LA Confidential was the main characters going to Des Moines, Iowa, and taking part in a hula hoop competition. Which it isn’t.

    L.A. Noire is a disaster. It’s lovely to drive around for a while in it, walk about, take in a digital LA
 but god, don’t play the “game” part.

    Will I ever play it again? No, I really did suck the marrow from the bones of this, even getting mayhem related achievements to see if that made it more fun, etc. It didn’t.

    Final Thought: I have to admit that, having been to LA many times, I wasn’t that blown away by the recreation because it’s not perfect. So something like Cole’s (originator of the French Dip!) isn’t really there, it’s a cafe that looks a bit like it. The Bradbury building is there, but you can’t go inside so
 I guess 1947 is, surprisingly, just too far in the past for it to really connect any deeper than, say, looking at photos of old LA. I do wish for an LA that kept streetcars and had a more
 how can I say
 consistent downtown, but that’s another story entirely.

  • Putty Squad (System 3, 2013)

    Putty Squad (System 3, 2013)

    Developed/Published by: System 3 / Maximum Games
    Released: 22nd April 2014
    Completed: 20th May, 2015
    Completion: Finished Marathon mode.
    Trophies / Achievements: 42%

    Yes, here’s why I played Super Putty. You see, I started playing this on a whim, and it’s such a total wreck I was like “wait, why is this a legendary lost Amiga game?” so had to go back and play Putty.

    Putty, as described, isn’t good, but it is beautiful, and in an alternate universe where someone with a consistent design philosophy made it, it’s great. Putty Squad, in its “on Amiga/SNES” format, is a big departure from the original Putty—gone are the tight levels, instead these big sprawling things. It’s much more a “traditional” Amiga platformer if there is such a thing, largely forgetting Putty’s “puttyness.” It’s still nice looking—if less striking—but loses a lot from the levels no longer being tight vertical scrollers, and is generally, a bit generic.

    Putty Squad’s re-release, however, has some of weirdest decisions ever. First off, we lose all of the  pixel art, which is tragic, and it’s all replaced with what I can charitably describe as “mid-90s CGI.” In fact, it’s so much of that time—think of games like Constructor, which it turns out as I google it was developed by System 3—that I’m suspicious that if the art hasn’t been lying about since then (look at this cover of Amiga Power, or the SNES release cover) or that literally the same person did it now, using the same tools after not having touched a computer since 1997.

    It’s sort of funny? A kind of “retro” no one is really asking for, but released as a 2014 improvement to a 1994 game that wouldn’t really cut it in 1997.

    So, it’s ugly, in a funny way, and you do see way more of the level thanks to the resolution, but above all someone at System 3 decided that the platforming action was archaic and no one was going to enjoy it, so they gave Putty the ability to, at any and all times, pump himself up and float. This means that you can, literally, avoid all of the platforming and huge swathes of the levels. It’s so daft, actually, that I spent some time trying to work out if it was a bug, but it’s not.

    Not to say Putty Squad isn’t still hard—just like Putty (and, it seems, more so than the original intended release of Putty Squad) every level is a mess of enemies you just have to try and survive. So it’s not really a platform game, more sort of a weird muddle where you fly about as a floating putty, landing occasionally to rescue the red putties, take unavoidable damage and then hope you can survive enough to the end of the level.

    After playing Super Putty and this, I can still imagine this perfect vertically-scrolling Putty game that’s a bit puzzley but also a challenging, fun platformer, with amazing pixel art. It would be really good on Playstation Vita. This isn’t.

    Will I ever play it again? No, but I enjoyed this as a piece of history and slice of weird Western-developed kusoge, so I’m going to keep my physical copy.

    Final Thought: If you’re gagging to play a modern update of a western platformer, you can’t go wrong with Rayman Origins. It’s more beautiful than the original pixel art and is just generally a fun wee romp. So there.

  • Super Putty (System 3, 1993)

    Super Putty (System 3, 1993)

    Developed/Published by: System 3 / U.S. Gold
    Released: 1993
    Completed: 19th May, 2015
    Completion: Finished it, but with the unlimited live cheat because christ.
    Trophies / Achievements: n/a

    This opening might be a little “inside baseball” (a reference which is, ironically, “inside baseball” because I have no idea what inside baseball is or was) but recently there was discussion on Twitter about something or other—actually i think it was on Super Mario Sunshine, which I involved myself in because of words I had over it in my write-up of Super Mario 3D Land—and Tim Rogers (Videoball) humorously dismissed Bennett Foddy (QWOP)’s opinion by saying something along the lines of “yeah, but you like Amiga platformers.”

    Now, I like Amiga platformers, and there’s a reason for this, similar to why I enjoy a lot of games that can be characterised fairly or not as “kusoge”; they often do something absolutely unexpected from what is expected of their genre or accepted conventions. A lot of Amiga (actually, I’ll round this out to “home computer”) platformers come from a strange world where Mario might have been mentioned in passing, but his design wasn’t dominant. Neither was a visual style defined by Japanese artists. As a result, you end up with lots and lots of weird, often wildly unplayable worlds and ideas; everything from sedate problem solving with Dizzy to insane, drugged-out messes like Top Banana.

    I think they’re fascinating! It’s like looking at the evolution of a distant tribe, and then once contact has been made, seeing what happens—seeing Sonic-inspired games like Oscar or (famously) Zool come into being.

    Anyway, here’s Super Putty, and if you’re wondering why I’m playing Super Putty rather than Putty (my original intention) it’s because, and here’s another quirk of home computer games, there was only one fire button on old home computer joysticks. As a result, developers had to get quite
 innovative to get characters to do the range of things you’d expect. In the case of Putty, which hinges on Putty’s ability to stretch and morph and absorb, what they did was add an insane lag on your first input. It genuinely takes about a second for Putty to respond. I couldn’t hack it, almost gave up entirely and realized that this wouldn’t cut it on the SNES, where a mildly-improved version was released. Hurrah!

    I think Super Putty is gorgeous. I love this kind of western pixel art—of the era of the Bitmap Brothers, etc.—and if you look at one of the level maps, it’s just stunning. Abstract but evocative, clean and clear.

    It’s a shame, then, that Super Putty is a design mess for no good reason at all. You’ve got a pliable hero with plenty of options for puzzles, and a plot that revolves around collecting robots and taking them to the exit, all in really nice, vertically-scrolling levels. But in classic Amiga-platformer stylee, instead of all that it’s a mad survive-em-up, with millions of baddies spawning on screen, loads of points where you can’t avoid being hit, things that hurt you even though it’s not obvious, and so on.

    Rather than doing anything clever, the game devolves into abusing Putty’s “smart bomb” explosion to try and avoid mobbed areas, gritting your teeth through the enemies you can’t seem to kill for no clear reason, and brute forcing your way through. I certainly can’t imagine trying to do this without infinite lives.

    I must say though, that had I got this in the Amiga 600 bundle I pined for, I’d have played the shit out of it, lag or not, and would remember it fondly. It does look great, Putty is charming indeed, and if it was more of a Dizzy than a Top Banana it’d be perfect. Ah well.

    Will I ever play it again? No but if you can guess why I played it in the first place


    Final Thought: Apparently the Amiga 600 was manufactured in the town I grew up in, which means that if my dad had known that I’d probably have ended up with a dodgy one from a guy down the pub rather than the flash 386DX I got instead. The PC was the right choice.

  • X-Scape [aka X-Returns, 3D Space Tank] (Q-Games, 2010)

    X-Scape [aka X-Returns, 3D Space Tank] (Q-Games, 2010)

    Developed/Published by: Q-Games, Nintendo SPD Production Group No. 3 / Nintendo
    Released: May 31st, 2010
    Completed: 16th May, 2015
    Completion: Finished the main story mode, but didn’t go back and 100% every planet or anything.
    Trophies / Achievements: n/a

    When I was a wean, I wanted Faceball 2000 so bad after reading about it in Total! Magazine. But I never saw a copy of it in the wild! However, I have no recollection of X (X-Scape’s Game Boy, Japan-only predecessor) ever being mentioned even in the import pages. In retrospect, I’m not sure I would have hungered for it in the same way, but it’s really, really odd it never made it out of Japan. However, the latter-day sequel did, and I decided to just play that because the original is hella clunky what with being on the original Game Boy and all that.

    Turns out, X-Scape is also hella clunky? Actually, wait, first I’ll praise it. It looks great. I love how evocative the simple polygons are of genuinely alien places (although I don’t always agree with the palette choices.) Starglider is mentioned as an obvious touchstone, but with the tanky movement and exploration, it puts me most in mind of the lonely worlds developed in the Freescape engine such as Driller, and it made me wish the game was a lot deeper.

    Because the game is, mostly, a Battlezone-a-like with some flying (not that different) and little on-rails “tunnel” sections where you just try and avoid stuff and get to the end before the time runs out (which felt should have been way more thrilling and compelling than they were.)

    There are a few problems. First, the controls aren’t great. Using the stylus is a non-starter (Too slow, awkward) and using the d-pad is imprecise but as good as you’ll manage. Then, lots of the planets have “effects” that are often infuriating. One planet might have solar flares that scramble your controls so you move backwards when trying to move forward (and so on) the other interference that causes your scanner to stop working for a while.

    This kind of thing is insane. We’ve been making games for years and years and years, and it’s astonishing to me that anyone ever things that “reversing controls” is a “fun” or “challenging” thing to happen. Now, don’t get me wrong. Not all games have to be “fun,” I’m not one of those “fun”damentalists (did you see what I did there) but X-Scape is obviously meant to be fun. Control reversals or removing functionality as “challenge” is just incredibly frustrating and shite. Everyone: never ever do this.

    Anyway, you fly between planets, do short wee missions (kill X things, do this turret section) and progress through the story, which is slight.

    It’s such a nice engine, though, I wish they had, Freescape-style, been able to use it for some more things.

    Will I ever play it again? I could finish the missions but the thought of my controls being reversed again put me right off it. No.

    Final Thought: If you’re looking for a retro-styled Q-Games developed spacey thing, do let me recommend Pixeljunk Sidescroller. Totally different, obviously, and unfairly maligned, but in my humble opinion it’s the absolute tits.

  • Stranglehold (Midway, 2007)

    Stranglehold (Midway, 2007)

    Developed/Published by: Midway Studios Chicago, Tiger Hill Entertainment / Midway Games
    Released: September 7th, 2007
    Completed: 12th May, 2015
    Completion: Finished it.
    Trophies / Achievements: n/a

    Kind of a wake-up here to just how old the “previous generation” of video games I’m still living in is, this is from eight years ago, basically making it, and I believe this is the scientific term, “old as balls.”

    Anyway, I’ve been meaning to play through it for ages because I like Hong Kong action (although John Woo has never stood out particularly to me, because he’s done so few films comparatively) and I played the demo in, probably 2007, and remember thinking it was hilarious.

    I think the demo (and first level) somewhat portrays the game under false pretence. Starring a digital Chow-Yun Fat as the same character he played in Hard Boiled in a “how exactly did they get them to agree to that” way, the first level asks the question “what if you covered Chow-Yun Fat in Vaseline and set him loose in a marketplace?”

    It’s hilarious as you slide about on everything, smashing watermelons and leaping about in slow motion at all times while shooting folk, if you remember how John Woo movies were always called “balletic” this is “balletic” in the way a dance recital for five year-olds would be, if you got them all drunk and made them perform on a waltzer.

    Unfortunately, while the rest of the game features just as much stuff to smash, the novelty wears off fast, as it becomes pretty transparent that the level design boils down to “trap the player in an arena until they kill enough baddies, run to the next arena, repeat.” Well, apart from the level where you have to endlessly destroy tables with drugs on them/place bombs (feels the same) and a really dull turret bit.

    And tragically, Chow-Yun Fat is totally wasted, as there’s a skeleton of a plot that makes far less sense and is far less compelling than your average Hong Kong film—and they usually made those up as they went along.

    It’s all a bit dull, and not helped by the fact that I’ve already played through Sleeping Dogs, United Front Games’ Hong Kong actioner, which is varied, fun and totally gets the genre right down to the compelling story. I can’t really blame Stranglehold for not being as good as a game that came out five years later
 but I will anyway.

    Will I ever play it again? Nope. I don’t really regret playing it, though.

    Final Thought: Completely forgot to mention that there’s a boss fight in the middle that grinds the game to a halt because you’re not supposed to leap around during it and (in fact) I got stuck for ages because I had no idea you could crouch/crawl. Whoever it was that decided games should always have a bit where they’re like “ah-ha! now you’re not supposed to play the game the way you’ve learned for hours” should be forced to walk on their hands and eat with their feet for a year.